Sex, Love and Intimacy
Intimacy, touch, sex, and love are crucial to our happiness. Life lived without these essentials is difficult to endure. Yet we find some people purposely deny themselves intimacy and sex, and though people would not admit it, some deny themselves love. To a great extent we all distance ourselves from the most beautiful and subtle things in life probably because we have forgotten how beautiful they are. Or we fear it and the risks involved in getting hurt. In the beginning of HeartHealth we talk about our pure beings coming to this planet looking for pure love and not finding it, so no wonder we have difficulties with love. Religious people who are not balanced with inner love and with the soft ability to be intimate with significant others run the risk of becoming not only self-righteous, but they set the stage for the type of consciousness that is so needy that it seeks fulfillment in the sexual abuse of children. Those who avoid tenderness and warm personal relationships slide too easily down the slope of fanaticism and pride. It is the feminine side that balances the hardness of male oriented righteousness and it is our most intimate relationships that anchor our hearts, ground our beings, and keep us from soaring into the stratospheres of our minds. Intimacy, love, and even sexuality have the power to hold us closer to the universe of the heart and that is the main reason why the Marriage of Souls embraces the Goddess, the Mother and the Magdalene. When the main religions of our race began to put down sexuality, they began to destroy the Goddess, and the rape of our planet accelerated; as well as the eternal rape and abuse of women and children. When the male dominates the female principle the result is violence to the universe of being. This all began in ancient times as patriarchal societies developed and pushed the feminine Goddess principle into retreat. Man’s awe of woman’s fertility and cosmic sexual capacity turned to fear as men took control of family life and the lineage of the children. Out of the desire to dominate rose the need to subjugate and control the receptive yin essence of woman with their tremendous power to create and carry new life. Within the circle of our most intimate and personal relationships we find mirrors of the true nature of our being for intimacy and love make us vulnerable to the feedback, to the ‘reactions’ and to the ‘caring’ of others who are interested in our growth and well being. Our intimate partners are more involved with us, more committed and dedicated to the details of our existence. Intimacy connects our inner worlds and is the principle barometer of soul connection. It is through intimacy, love, and sometimes-even sex that we create most of our most important relationships. Though we have been implanted with spiritual images of puritanical saintliness that exists independent of intimacy, sex, and love, life lived without these qualities is empty. Though our spiritual evolution does depend on our ability to transcend the pull of the senses, this has nothing to do with avoiding or denigrating the most beautiful things that God has planted in the garden. Love, sex, intimacy and touch are innate extensions of the joy of being a being. The Catholic Church and other religions have tried their best for two thousand years to murder the Goddess, which is the God of love and compassion, through the defamation of sex. The masculine gods of the world’s major religions have all arisen through a perverse denigration of sexuality and womanhood. The feminine principle has been in full retreat planet wide and we are just beginning to see a slight turnaround. The betrayal of the feminine came to its brutal height in the Roman Catholic Church in the Dark Ages and ended up with the burning to death of hundreds of thousands of women. And today we still have gurus and avatars holding up their own celibacy as examples of where we should all be heading. Divine nature, according to some of them is sexless. Are these people divine or crazy? On top of this cruel and ignorant violence against innocent beings, the church called for Crusades against the French Cathars and Inquisitions against whoever was against them. This all ended up with the brutal torture and murder of countless men, women and children. This is the end result of mindsets built on top of lies and the biggest lies found in the church revolve around sexuality. Beings planted firmly in the feminine, in intimacy and true love are simply not capable of such cruel absurdity. The modern error is seeing inquisitions against the ecology of the planet as we continue to see the male principle raping the earth and this same force operates more cleverly behind the spiritual and psychological scenes. Rape comes in many forms, as many women know, but we rarely have the consciousness that invisible rapes occur on massive scales, perpetuated by special interest groups, unleashed and targeted as pre-planned manipulative aggressiveness against us. All human souls are endowed with the God given need for love, intimacy, and touch. Many saints where known to struggle mightily against the sexual urge and some reached tremendous heights of consciousness through great effort. We will deal directly and deeply with the fact that the ‘normal’ tendency of sexual energy is going downward and out and we do have to bring it upwards and inwards. But struggling directly against sex (as in cutting it off through denial and defamation) is like struggling against God. Yes we can struggle and gain from that but there are ways more harmonious and much less dangerous. Ways that suggest that we relax into it or channel the energy. Meaning we can struggle while swimming with the tide. Everything in the universe works on desire and sex is the carrier wave of desire. The universe uses sex to create more life. If sex is so important that life comes out of it, there must be something more to it that does not meet the ignorant or superficial eye. If
you do not love sex you do not love God, In today’s world the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives, the physical, social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects. Intimacy really means total life sharing. Though many often confuse sex, love, and intimacy with each other, and thought to be one and the same thing, it is important to look at their differences. If we take a close look at the dictionary's definition of love, sex and intimacy we will see differences as well as marked similarities. Intimacy Intimacy draws the perfect picture of what most people look for in meaningful deep relationships with others, with or without sex. One of the great sadness' of life here on earth is that real intimacy, between beings, is rare. Sex, on the other hand, is much more common. Sex 1.
Concern with or interest in sexual activity. Some people think sex means just enjoying the senses of the temporary material body, but this is a most narrow definition. Even the Pope John Paul managed a broader one when he said it “being the greatest gift of the sincere self.” If a man like this said that there must be more to sex than is indicated by the above dictionary definitions. In the chapters that follow we will expand and deepen our understanding for and definitions of sex. Above we see that the first five definitions of intimacy indicate profound connections between human souls independent of sexual contact. Only the sixth through eighth definitions of sex mention the concept of love. Looking at the definition of love we see: Love Concepts of love combine sex and intimacy. Yet we see that the definitions of love vary tremendously in respect as to the quality of love. Love can be something universal or it can be selfish and egotistical as when a man says I love you meaning, "I wants to have sex," or when a person gets obsessively attached, controlling and jealous, and calls this love. Many things that people think are love are not really love. Women who love too much when their men are beating up on them are not being truly loving because they do not love themselves. When we control, manipulate, or depend too deeply on another we begin to leave the green fields of true love behind and enter something else. Out of the three definitions above, intimacy provides us with the clearest and most beautiful vision. Intimacy requires and is a beautiful space. Sex and love can both contain highly negative qualities in normal human expression, but intimacy is something that happens between souls when we reach out to others with trust; its a space we enter when we dare to open our hearts and just be. It happens when we put away all the fancy airs and just be who we really are without fear of judgment. Though sexuality and love can be selfish, intimacy seems to represent a pure space between beings. Intimacy is very much connected to vulnerability for it is the sharing of vulnerabilities between beings that creates intimacy. Vulnerability is the
capacity or susceptibility to being hurt. The word vulnerable is also synonymous with the
words openness and exposure. When a person is truly vulnerable there is an unobstructed
entrance or view to the persons heart, being and soul. In the strongest or most
enlightened person there is no protecting or concealing cover because the person needs
none. Such people carry themselves in full
view of others because they are not afraid of being hurt, because they
are not afraid to suffer. Hurt is something our beings naturally feel. Hurt is the
appropriate response of the human heart when attacked or misunderstood. When we betray the
innocent and vulnerable nature of the pure heart we cause hurt. When we are born we have a great capacity to be
hurt. Babies and young children are totally at the mercy of their environment, they are
totally vulnerable, but slowly loose this after years of being repeatedly hurt and
misunderstood. We slowly loose the vulnerability of being as we erect our ego or mental
separate self. When Christ said that we needed to be born again he was referring to the reversing of this
process.
HeartHealth Fear is what separates us from our vulnerabilities and thus intimacy and love. We are normally attached to our separate non-intimate spaces and are not consciously interested in oneness and love except when we find ourselves falling uncontrollably in love. Even with our children it is hard to maintain the love and intimacy we experienced with them at their birth. The world has a big problem with love, intimacy and sexuality. We have become so accustomed to separation, walls, and defenses that we have forgotten how badly we miss love, intimacy, and the wonders of sexuality. Yet haven't we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our life with someone totally? The
intimate space is a very beautiful space, I like to be there. Intimacy is a natural state of being, the problem is that we rarely risk opening to it in social environments because of the fear of being vulnerable before others. Sexuality and its fear also greatly inhibit the development of intimacy. It is difficult to approach love when we are afraid as Jerry Lamposky implied when he said, “Love is Letting Go of Fear.” Everyone loves the warmth of intimacy but most people live without it because of fear of attraction, passion, sexuality, and eventual attachment. Marshall Hodge wrote, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding intimacy.
Intimacy is so much a heart thing and the sharing of the vulnerable heart vibration is rare in people stuck in their rational or conceptual minds. Mind to mind communication can be challenging, open and interesting but intimacy occurs on another level entirely. When we are vulnerable we put away the fancy airs we put on and drop our self-image, which is always hoping to look a little better than we actually feel. Any kind of spiritual self-image automatically blocks our vulnerability thus cutting off the heart and blocking us from the very thing that we want - love. When we do expose ourselves we become psychologically naked. This only happens when our defenses are down, when we are not worried that others will attack or judge us. Then we can be just who we are. HeartHealth Interestingly the digital age has brought along the possibility of cyber relationships and the ability to get intimate without the problems and complexities of attractions, passion and sexuality. In cyber space we meet up with peoples minds and spirits, not their bodies so at least one old barrier against the true intimacies of being are removed. There we can more easily open our hearts to divine friendships, the kind that Yoganada talked about in his beautiful work. But alas, even here, in digital heaven, we have the separative non-intimate non-vulnerable mindsets ruling supreme. It is hard to find people to open up to, and because we live in the human soup of non-vulnerability, we too become closed and up tight. This is all very sad because almost everybody loves to share that nice energy that is the main characteristic of the ‘green’ heart or security center. (See HeartHealth) Positive green is warm and cuddly, affectionate, secure, intimate and open. When we share green energy with others we open the doorway to intimacy. This energy feeds us and nurtures our souls. Just like plants love to soak in the light of day and turn that rich energy into green foliage, humans need to soak up some ‘green’ love to evolve. Every one of us functions best when we are receiving love and support from others. It is impossible to manifest our true potentials in life if we are not physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually secure. Much of life is about finding this security and yet there are ways that work and other ways that lead us into greater insecurity. Some people think that making lots of money will make them secure but we see that money alone provides little nurturance to our beings. Our beings have many needs and the need for intimacy; love, affection, and the joy of sexuality top the list. Neediness expresses a lack we feel in our beings and the greater the lack the greater the sense of need. Those people who are neediest for love are people who have a great-unsatisfied capacity for love and working this out can be the work of a lifetime. Neediness for love stems from the lack of love and the feeling of anxiety and emptiness. It’s a sad fact, but true, that the more people think they need to be loved, the less others are likely to give it to them. They are likely to interpret the need for love as weakness and the constant effort to gain it as irritating. A persons overwhelming need can choke other peoples beings and people naturally resist this and use rejection and separation to protect themselves. We should not ignore the fact that people’s desperate neediness is often expressed negatively through their sexuality and aggressively through jealousy, possession and control. Neediness sets up a demand that cuts us off from the real intimacy that open, surrendered and receptive beings share. And as we will later understand child sexual abuse expresses a terrible neediness that creates deep sadness and confusion in peoples lives that never seems to end. Intimacy goes beyond the space of separate egos or minds that are just into themselves. It is a state of feeling union whereas the ego represents the feeling of separation. Egoism and intimacy are basically contradictions in terms. The Marriage of Souls recognizes intimacy, and The Heart of Sex recognizes our sexuality as the natural home of the open and vulnerable heart but sex in and of itself is no replacement for deep intimacy and will not create it all by itself. Intimacy brings us the joy of being in deep communion with other souls; sex does not really do this. Intimacy is a space in opposition to the worlds of business and politics, which are mostly full of injustice, competition; back stabbing, distrust, ambition, and selfishness. He
or she who has mastered intimacy There are people who have little need for physical intimacy yet the pure intimacy of being is essential. There is a minimum amount of intimacy each soul needs to feel fulfilled and warm inside. Yet egos learn to live without it and it is one of the reasons we become lost from our souls. Babies who are raised with little intimacy and love have a terribly difficult time in life simply because their lack creates such havoc deep within their beings. One of the most difficult realities of life, and one of the greatest hindrances to spiritual love and development, is that we have to swim against the tide, not only of our own cold separate egos, but the sea of egos that surround us. In this we are truly one, a collective consciousness, and it inclines us a certain way. Deep in our hearts though is the will and love to try to overcome the ego with all its impulses toward separation. Intimacy is a vibration that does not depend totally on physical contact yet sexual relationships seem to promise us intimacy, love, affection and tenderness. Many people report, “At first, sex was exciting. Then I started feeling funny about myself, and then I started feeling funny about my partner. We argued and fought and finally we broke up." Often after sharing sexual intimacy we wake up and find that intimacy is not really there. Each of us has different aspects of self that are significant. We have physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual sides that need to touch with another to feel whole in our relationship and whole with ourselves. In our search for intimacy we tend to want "instant" gratification and most people find it is easier to be physically intimate with someone than to be intimate in any of the other more complex areas of our existence. We can become physically intimate with a person in an hour or less. Often young people searching for intimacy go from one relationship to another hoping, "This time will be it. This time I am going to find a relationship that will last." Part of the problem is that though they are looking for true love and real intimacy they walk through the sexual door first and are deceived. Though people do want sex and touch what they secretly really want is true intimacy and love. Unless of course they have masochistic tendencies which many people do. Some people are so open that they never have to touch another to offer everything that they truly are; and the more we have our purely physical needs under control the greater the chance that we will realize the love and intimacy we are looking for. But as we saw in The Psychology of Touch all beings share a need for touch. Even Mother Teresa bent down in the gutter of Calcutta to pick up, in her arms, the dying and destitute. In the final moment of such beings lives a great soul offered incredible intimacy. She reached across the filth of the physical without fear and offered a glimpse of pure love before such souls departed from life. We are conditioned deeply against true intimacy because we relate intimacy so much with sexuality. Most professional therapists dread the expression of any real intimacy and the result is that many therapeutic relationships are sterile. (See Therapeutic Intimacy) This is sad because intimacy can bridge the gap that most people feel from each other. For the vast majority of people intimacy is something we feel when we are in some kind of physical contact. Many people cannot touch, except for a brief hug or kiss, for intimacy is too threatening to them. When you go up to hug certain kinds of people they seem stiffer than boards, so great is their shielding. People in general are not centered in their hearts, and the further away they drift from its tenderness, the harder and stiffer their muscles get, and the more awkward they become with intimacies in social spaces. Intimacy itself mirrors the openness or closeness of our hearts. A closed hearted person certainly can engage in sex and be married but without an open heart they have little capacity for intimacy. Sex with little or no love is not intimate though it can feel that way for the duration of the act. Intimacy is love expressed; it is something that happens between beings not minds or bodies lusting on the flesh. Intimacy is reserved for those who are truly interested in meaningful relationships; it is not for those whose appetites and hunger for sex and emotion is beyond control. Lust steers us away and destroys true intimacy because it is inherently selfish. Real
Love does not come quickly. Sexuality, at its roots, is the pressure of the Divine Impulse back to the oneness. Sexuality is an enormous creative force created by the universal consciousness. Freud and others spoke about the consequences and dangers of sexual repression. Trying to repress sexuality is equivalent to trying to repress God. It is impossible and yet some try, and fail. Most groups in the past have adopted strict codes of behavior to avoid the problems that intimacies often bring. Intimacy and especially sensuality and sexuality have traditionally been tightly controlled because of the explosive reactions such forces create in others. But tensions are often present and get repressed. Religion has mostly been employed to help the ego in its task to separate us from intimacy, sex, joy, love, and communication.
One of the most popular gurus of the eighties and nineties, Osho or Bhagwan Rajneesh, made a great hit with young people through the total license to sexually mate with as many people as desired. This seemed to work fine until the advent of AIDS. At this point Osho became paranoid. His experiment with sex as a path towards love came to an abrupt halt. His philosophy was to make love as often as desired until the desire came to an end. At this point it was thought that people could begin to concentrate on love. This experiment failed leaving many questions unanswered but what did make sense was his anti-repressive sexual attitude. As we move into the 21st century mankind has still to discover a path that makes sense and we have a long way to go in mastering our challenges as human beings. For followers of love the greatest challenge is to conquer the heart center and this is made more difficult through the problems that our sexual centers seem to create. But we have already seen and witnessed the social, psychological, and spiritual wreckage of sexual repression. All people have an uphill battle to fight against deep egotistical forces when they decide to work toward the true love of the heart, that kind of love that loves one as well as the many. Traditionally spiritual seekers who devote themselves totally to God have found themselves living mostly outside the restraints of personal relationships and marriages. But what has all their work come to and what benefit has it brought to the regular person living in life? Why can we not find true love and be married? Why can we not commune with God during the act of sexual union? Why can we not love our wife or husband totally and still have room for the true love of another? Why do we always have to feel insecure in such situations and desperately try to control our natural instincts toward love, intimacy, and sexuality? To
love and not to possess Volume four of The Marriage of Souls goes deeply into the subject of non-possessive love that is really non-egotistical love. Many men and women know only of the eternal struggle of egotistical love, possession, and control of one another. When we begin the work of expanding our real love of others this type of love is threatened and will eventually be destroyed if we persist in the path toward true love. This confrontation between normal love and the free love of the heart creates the apocalypse in which the roots of our separate ego must die. When dealing with subjects like intimacy between souls, the purification of our sexualities, and the pure love of the heart, we must face many things inside of ourselves that resists these deeper conditions. And we have to confront our attachments to societies and religions that are secretly trying to choke off the deepest freedoms our souls have toward individuality and joy. Our
true beings are cosmic beings and this true self Osho separated sex from love and maybe he did that because this is what people commonly do. Many beings make this tragic mistake; they separate the sexual center and the heart center. This is understandable for the majority of people walk around with a closed heart and sexuality is the primary avenue or door to momentary experiences of oneness with others. And this is a real issue; even the saint has to struggle with the sexual energies that have a downward lustful tendency until the heart center is totally opened. Evolved open hearted men beings still have this struggle at times for it is the most difficult aspect of life for a man to master. For women the issues seems lighter. Men not only have to get out of their minds to re-find the universe of the heart, they also have to master the gonads even if it is through the intensity of tantric love practices. AIDS, which could be seen today as some kind of cosmic mirror, makes the promiscuous path dangerously impossible. We cannot safely make love to whomever we please. This was always really true but today with AIDS it is definitely and most clearly true. When we make our sexual selections based on true love we are protected, to a certain degree, from the ravages of the deadly cosmic mirror called AIDS and other sexually contacted diseases. True love knows that it cannot crawl into bed with every person we meet. True love knows that even if we are totally open and feel the attractions that all the stars feel for each other, it knows that sometimes love demands that we remain in our fixed positions. Each sun radiates out its full power and potential for expression to those bodies that are nearest to it. With the increase in distance this expression diminishes but never drops off to zero. Each star is giving a part of itself to the whole, to the whole universe. Light travels from each star to every other point, not only in its local galaxy, but also to the entire universe. This is how God functions. God gives a peace of Himself to the whole. Maybe man can learn something from the stars in a spiritual sense. Maybe this analogy offers us a new way to approach life and personal relationships. The essence of true love and our deepest beings demands that we learn to radiate and express our love and light freely. But we don't have to move our physical positions every time we feel love on a deep level. Though we do not have to be totally rigid about sexuality, it is best to apply all the powers of our heart intelligence to its discretion.
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